Practice does not make perfect!!
By BRUCE BRADSHAW
Zion Mennonite Church, Elbing
We have all heard the adage "practice makes perfect." The statement seems to be true. However, every time I hit a golf ball, I realize that practice does not produce perfection; it produces permanence. If we practice a skill long enough, we might improve it, but we are more likely to be practicing poor technique, causing us to make poor performance permanent. A poor golf swing, practiced over time, will not become a good golf swing. Perfection results from practice only when we practice a good technique.
When I hear people say communication is the key to a good relationship, I ponder the idea that practice makes permanent. Communication undoubtedly enhances relationships, but what happens if people practice flawed patterns of communication? They might be jeopardizing their relationships by making flawed patterns of communication permanent.
Flawed patterns of communication often plague marriages and other relationships. A common tendency is for couples to practice what I'll call propositional patterns of communication. A problem emerges in the relationship, each person in the relationship develops an idea to solve the problem, and he or she attempts to communicate the merits of their idea through a series of statements, which are evaluated according to some system of logic and many unstated assumptions. The person who "wins" is the one who has the power to communicate more effectively, regardless of the merits of his or her ideas.
The practice of propositional communication seldom produces perfection, but it often produces permanence. It makes the more powerful person in the relationship dominant, and it kills relationships — even relationships that stay intact. People spend their lives practicing patterns of communication that give preference to power, even when they know that power does not substantiate the truth of an idea.
The old Lucille Ball shows illustrate this issue well; Lucy always knew she was right, but never had the power to get her way, until she became subversive. Lucy usually won, but she also lost, even when she won; subversion reduced her dignity, which is why Lucy always was funny and why we loved her.
What is an alternative to propositional communication, if we can't live like Lucy? Let's try exploratory communication. Exploratory communication defies the notion that good ideas conform to power. It seeks to develop multiple alternatives to any problem or issue. It affirms that any tensions in human relationships can be transformed through the creative processes of dialogue, which cultivate our imaginations, creativity, and passions. It exercises the many dimensions of our humanity, with which God has gifted us.
Exploratory communication transforms power and control to mutuality, changing patterns of communication, such as he thinks or she thinks, to we think. But the "we think" is not often a blend of the two; it is usually a third alternative that is not often evident when individuals defend one position. It emerges when people rise to the challenge of pursuing, together, mutually acceptable solutions to the daily struggles of life that meet the legitimate rights, interests, and needs of each other, resulting in win-win outcomes.
