Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

Thanks for reading my letter. Some Peabody youngsters also have letters to you in this issue. I hope you will read them carefully and do your best to make their wishes come true. I ponder my own requests pretty carefully, Santa, so I hope you will consider granting them as well.

First of all, I would like for you to take your sleigh around the Peabody water tower a time or two and see if you can't do a better job than the water tower painting company did of lettering the slogans so they are dark enough to be seen. As you know Santa, there was a tremendous hue and cry over who was and who was not going to get to be a water tower slogan-ee this past fall. There was great tearing of hair and gnashing of teeth amongst people who ought to have known better. And when the dust settled, we all discovered we couldn't see either one of the darn slogans. Of course, you have a great sense of humor (ho, ho, ho) and I bet you think we all deserve precisely what we got. I expect you are right, and hopefully the lesson has been learned. Readable letters on the water tower would be an appropriate ending. Thank you for your help, Santa.

It seems we are still saddled with citizens who in the past I have called vandals, thugs, and losers. This holiday season they have made it their business to destroy outdoor Christmas displays and decorations. I know you are aware of this problem, Santa, and I hope you saw who those awful people are. I think lumps of coal all around would be appropriate. If you don't have enough on hand, you might buzz out to western Kansas and snag some from their stockpile. I understand they won't be using it anytime soon and you will need a bunch for our very own icky people.

I wonder also if you could have a private conversation with Mother Nature and see if there is a way that she can tone down the weather extremes that have socked our state in the past year. Kansas is supposed to be boring. That is what all the tourism experts tell us. We have grown used to boring. We are so used to it we can barely tolerate exciting, wild, turbulent, or uncontrolled. Descriptive words, huh Santa? Maybe you could take them away and give us back boring. Thanks. I am a transplant here, but I have been a happy transplant. I liked boring. I even have addressed M. N. in a couple of opinion columns, to no avail. Anything you can do to help will be appreciated, Santa.

I noticed that you answered my Christmas 2006, plea for the city of Florence and I want you to know Santa, that I'm grateful for that. I had asked that you divert their stupid problems (like beer delivery trucks hitting the downtown snowflake decorations and tractor-trailer rigs getting lost on their residential streets) to Oursler, Fairplay, and Diamond Springs. You must have heard my request, Santa, because the city council was positively inspired! Directional signs sending errant tractor-trailer rigs back to U.S.-50 have been installed and snowflake decorations have been positioned out of the way of beer delivery trucks. Santa, you are just the greatest. You did that on the sly and they think it was all their idea!

So this year in our neck of the woods, could you see your way clear to helping Peabody city council members do a better job of making city ordinances more easily understood and more accessible? Mostly I am in agreement with their goals for keeping things on the straight and narrow in this community, but Santa they have produced some Snafus (with a capital S) recently. I think they may need your good-natured guidance. Maybe you could spend some of your weekends hanging around the city building going over ordinance books and making appropriate (ho, ho, ho) changes. I won't tell anyone you are there. I'll figure out a way to have Kristen Hooper leave treats for you.

I only have my usual requests, Santa — I still need that blue sweater. And world peace doesn't look to be in the offing anytime soon unless you intercede on our behalf. If you are able to take care of any of these issues, I will be grateful. I hope your Christmas is very merry!